• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”