@chadchaines [phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
@samalmightysam You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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@chadchaines 
@JulianLeeComedy I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
@IamEnidColeslaw who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
@ilovepie84 “I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
@stevevsninjas Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
@aveuaskew When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
@LazerPunch I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
@dorsalstream Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
@VerifiedBakchod “An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
@GrowlyGrego Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie