You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I think the cat got the dog high.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!