@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

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@johnvvariety

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

@KalvinMacleod

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

@scootergonscoot

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

@RandiLawson

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

@bumlaser

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

@KalvinMacleod

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

@melibuff

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

@LeMay666

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

@SavageDabs69

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”