[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]
Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie