You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
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Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Awesome parenting 😂
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.