“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
not seeing the problem
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.