You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Sooo many times…..
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*