You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
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when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
You wish you had this many chins.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this