you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*