You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You Might Also Like
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
you gotta be faster
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti