“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
☺️
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.