You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
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The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Cndnsd Mlk
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus