You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.