“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Great acting.. 😂
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter