“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.


How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?


I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.


I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”


“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.


According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.


You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂


Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?


“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”