“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.