“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I have a black belt in leather
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right