“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
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Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!