You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation