You’re never alone. Theres mold
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.