“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs