You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg