You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.