You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Monday Lisa