You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.