@NoorShamma

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

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@Brianhopecomedy

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@iRowlf

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

@bonehugsnirony

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

@Floatersfinest

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@KaysNH

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

@DevinSiebold

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.