You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
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