You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I’m about to risk it all
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]