You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Why is this me 😫
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
what could possibly go wrong?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.