@badAzz_mom
@envydatropic Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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@envydatropic 
@cjwerleman Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
@Chhapiness Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
@blade_funner 1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
@Vice_Queen Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
@bourgeoisalien 5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
@AppointedGod Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
@OIDontGiveAFuck Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
@SamGrittner “Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
@david8hughes [watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”