You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.


Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.


Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time


1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*



Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.


5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’


“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks


[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]