You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Finally, a door that understands me
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.