@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

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@envydatropic

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

@Chhapiness

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

@blade_funner

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

@Vice_Queen

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

@bourgeoisalien

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

@SamGrittner

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”