@10InchesPlus

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

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@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@JagAskell

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

@josephknuckles

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@oneawkwardmom

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

@itsallbollocks

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that