You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.