I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that