@10InchesPlus

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

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@theglennisshow

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

@StaciedeNOLA

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

@TweetPotato314

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

@SkippyMcGizzard

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

@weinerdog4life

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

@itsdhruvism

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

@clichedout

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.