@GrowlyGrego *wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
@jordan_stratton You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
You Might Also Like
@GrowlyGrego 
@WheelTod [Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
@DalrympleWill Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
@traciebreaux I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
@fatherofcomedy ‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
@Fred_Delicious [Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
@LoveNLunchmeat People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
@GoldenSpirals Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
@SirEviscerate ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
@envydatropic And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life