@jordan_stratton

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

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@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@WheelTod

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@traciebreaux

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

@Fred_Delicious

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

@SirEviscerate

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

@envydatropic

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life