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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
(2022)
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Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
technically true but not a great slogan
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