“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire