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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
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How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
Do not levitate over flowers
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