you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.