You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
You Might Also Like
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
mom had nothing to worry about
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener