You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
favorite tropes as memes
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
#Caturday
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.