You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees


Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.


The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.


KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.


DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.


her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous