You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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this year felt like being awake during surgery
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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