You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug