You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
pep talk