You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)