“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
for all #parents out there
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.