@texasstalkermom
@daemonic3 [in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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@daemonic3 
@RickAaron This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
@ElizaBayne I wish gyms had a “montage” option
@internetluke Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
@kyry5 [Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
@robdelaney I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
@chimneyspotter WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
@kelkulus A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
@AmyNoMiddleNam3 Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
@ddsmidt If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.