You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …