@m1ss_chief Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
@CandyEmpires You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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@m1ss_chief 
@SkinnerSteven How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
@notacroc [Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
@hipchkk The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
@traciebreaux I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
@LoveNLunchmeat 80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
@POTerritory The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
@onion_an [at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
@TomMughal I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
@TattleTSister You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”