You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

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How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?


[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out


The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.


I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing


80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.


The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia


[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*


I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.