@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

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@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@notacroc

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

@hipchkk

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

@traciebreaux

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@POTerritory

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

@onion_an

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

@TomMughal

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.