You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and