You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
this post was so formative to me
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Salad is the decaf of food.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying