“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
You Might Also Like
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word