You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
New tinder profile pic
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual