You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
How wrong was this guy?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.