You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Worst perfume name ever.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂