you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Choose your fighter
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Does your wife know you’re single?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes