“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?